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|8.6.04 - One Year
I'm still alive. Holy
shit. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are. It's hard to believe,
but it's a year later and I've gone from this
(in case you're new to thefark.com, see this story
to understand the reference):
last year I had to worry about finding foods I could eat through
a tube, the only thing I have to worry about now is brushing my
shoulders off. "But Fark," you may ask, "it looks
like those you and those girls may have been slightly inebriated
at the time of this photograph. Are you sure that had nothing
to do with it?" Yes. I am. I don't know what you're talking
about, but those photographs were taken completely sober. "But,
what about those girls wearing the hats that say 'drunk' on them?"
Uhhhh.... shut up.
if I can post more updates later. So keep checking this site.
|9.17.03 - Before
I decided to wear the exact same shirt as in my preop pics and
take pictures in the exact same place, just so you could compare
what I looked like before and after the surgery. Yes, this is
what happens on a slow night. The lighting isn't as good and
the pics aren't zoomed in as much, because I came to the conclusion
that duplicating everything would take way too much effort.
But I'm sure you'll get the idea, so here
they are for your enjoyment.
the good news: You know what I did yesterday? I ate STEAK for
dinner. That's right folks, all dietary restictions are gone,
I can eat whatever the hell I want now! It'll be so nice to
eat all the stuff I wanted that I couldn't eat before - in fact,
I think I'm going to make a list of that stuff right now...
let's see, #1, steak... #2... ok, well actually steak was about
the only thing I really wanted to eat that I couldn't eat before.
But that's ok, because steak is awesome. I understand that there
are some vegitarians out there that might not think steak is
so awesome. Sadly, they are mistaken, because steak clearly
is awesome. Want proof? Eat a good steak, preferably
one of the Fred's steaks you can get at Stanford shopping center.
I guarantee it will convert you from vegetarianism, unless it
also going to be going to college in 2 days, it should be hella
tight. Which brings me to my next point, I've gotta learn to
stop saying hella. Apparently, nobody down in LA says it. Why?
That's a very thoughtful question. I don't know. I figure they
must say something to replace hella though, cuz I mean
if they didn't that would be hella stupid. However, nobody I've
talked to seems to know what that word is. So I'm just gonna
make it up myself: heavena. An example for usage would be: damn,
that girl's heavena hot. Wow, I'm a genius. Heavena is a hell--
I mean, heavena tight word.
|9.4.03 - One month
later - plus my theory on the history of marijuana
Exactly one month
ago today, this
is what I looked like. I was so tired I could barely move, my
mouth was ruberbanded shut, and everything I ate got sucked out
of my stomach through a tube as soon as I swallowed it. I didn't
think I'd ever be able to eat solid food again. It's amazing how
much can change in a month. Almost all my swelling is gone, I
can open my mouth pretty wide, I don't get tired as easily anymore...
but the best part: I can eat normal-people foods. This last week
the doctor took off the last bands I had on and said I could chew
"soft foods". He said he recommended I only eat pasta
or fish for a while, but he left in three little words that made
all the difference - at my discretion. In other words I
could basically eat whatever I wanted as long as my jaw didn't
fall off. So
this past week I've been able to eat pizza, hamburgers, huge burritos,
fajitas, and more. It's awesome being able to chew again, but
it feels kinda wierd with the new bite. I'm startin to get used
to it though.
Now yesterday, something
completely awesome happened. I was out shopping for college stuff,
and I was able to get a 20" flat screen TV for only $99.
Ok, so I know what you're thinking: "Damn, who'd you have
to blow to get that deal?". The real question is, who didn't
I have to blow. Just kidding. Pervert. I can't believe you actually
think I would do something like that just to get a $30 discount
on a TV. I'd only do it if they gave me the TV free, ok?
Good, now that we have that cleared up, I'll tell you how I scored
that deal without having to perform any gay sex acts. So I walk
into the store, and I ask if they've got any more of those 20"
TV's they're selling for $139 left in stock. Unfortunately, they
don't. So we go to another best buy. They don't have 'em either.
But they do have these 2 TV's, same model that they're selling
for $99 because they got cracked during shipping. But c'mon, who
wants a cracked TV, so I asked if the floor model was for sale.
At first the guy said no, but then his friend came up and started
looking at me all wierd. Then he was like "holy shit, that's
the guy from thefark.com! Damn dude, your web site is the best
thing to come along since 2-ply toilet paper! Let's switch out
this cracked model with the floor model and just give him the
floor model for $99." Okay, so the part about him noticing
me from thefark.com isn't exactly "true", but that would
be tight if it had happened. He really did exchange the cracked
model for the floor model which was in perfect condition though,
so that was pretty damn sweet.
#1: Where did Mary Jane come from?
Alright, so if you
read the title you probably noticed that you get a bonus feature
in today's little posting. That's right, my theory on marijuana.
Was it vicoden-induced? Probably. But here it is:
So one day I just started
thinking, why is marijuana illegal if something like alcohol is
legal? After all, God didn't make alcohol, but he did make marijuana.
Or did he? See, then I started thinkin that maybe marijuana
was around in the Garden of Eden. Think about it, it would explain
a LOT. So Eve's just sittin there chillin', being naked, livin
the good life, when she decides "hey, look at this plant..
It's not like those other plants over there. I'm gonna try smokin
this shit!" And she does, when all of a sudden she sees this
snake that starts talkin to her, and she gets the munchies and
that apple tree starts lookin reeeal good. I mean come on, how's
she gonna see this snake that starts talkin to her if she's not
on somethin. It coulda been shrooms too I guess, I'm not
sure. So then she passes it over to adam, he takes a toke, and
he's like damn, I'm kinda hungry too so then he tries it. And
of course, like the bible says the whole thing happened cuz the
snake told her to do it. But would she have seen the snake if
she wasn't smokin the reefer? Maybe that's why one of the names
for it is the devil's
So there ya go, my
theory, it could end up being an earth-shattering revalation about
why we're not all naked and living in paradise anymore. Or it
could just be completely wrong. Which one is more likely? I'm
gonna say the latter, but hey, ya never know.
|8.21.03 - Handsome
to the rest of the world???
Well, am I yet? According
to my orthodontist, maybe. I paid him a visit today to give him
a look at the new jaw, and he told me it was "an excellent
result". As you can tell, he was thoroughly excited. Even
though he didn't really seem that enthusiastic to the untrained
eye, personally I think what he said is orthodontist-ese for "you
are one of the sexiest men I have ever seen and if you were a
girl I'd totally wanna hit that". Of course, I could be wrong,
but that's not likely.
So yeah, basically
everything's comin along pretty damn well, so that's pretty cool.
Since I wrote something last I've been doin a ton of stuff- hangin
out with friends before they leave for college, watched American
Wedding which is a damn funny movie that everyone should go see,
had to clean my entire room and the garage, which sucked. A lot.
Since I hadn't cleaned my room in like 3 years. Now everything's
supposedly "organized" but I have no idea where any
of my stuff is, at least before I knew exactly where it was in
the pile on my floor. Now I have to remember exactly how we organized
it and dig through my closet to find the box, it's ridiculous.
I hate cleaning.
Anyway, I also went
to Monterey, and saw the aquarium, which reminded me of an idea
I had a while ago. For if I ever get rich and have lots of money
to spend on stuff I don't need. Basically, what I wanna do is
have a swimming pool and just dump a sea otter in there. Why?
Because that would be freakin awesome. I mean people would come
over and be like "look, that guy's got an otter in his pool,
that's the most awesome thing I've ever seen". And who doesn't
like sea otters? Everybody loves em, especially when they're in
your swimming pool. Now just in case there's any confusion, I'm
not talking about those lazy stanky-ass sea lions you see on pier
39. They're cool to watch sometimes when they fight and stuff,
but they smell like crap and a lot of the time just lay there,
plus they'd wake you up every morning with that noise they make
that i can't find any way to type out. Anyway, if I can't put
a sea otter in a pool, my backup plan is to put it in the hot
tub. That might actually even be more cool, since it's a smaller
space, so you'd be like sitting down and the sea otter would be
all swimming around you and stuff. That would be tight. And this
is why I love vicoden. How else could I think of this stuff?
|8.12.03 - F R E E
D O M -- almost
I think today is probably one of the best days of my life. My
mouth is no longer rubberbanded shut, and I can actually open
my jaw... kinda. The muscles are all tight so i can only open
it part way (see this pic),
and it's a little sore opening it, but still... it OPENS! Now
I just have to wear these 2 rubberbands on the sides, but I get
to take them off 3x a day for an hour to eat/brush teeth/do jaw
exercises and I can even open my mouth with these bands on. But
that isn't why today is so great. I actually got to eat food through
a spoon! I can almost hear your reaction now: "well whooptie
freakin doo, you get to eat through a spoon, BFD..." You're
damn right BFD. You try eating everything through a syringe for
a week and tell me you don't think it's a big deal. Now on my
birthday, shortly before surgery, we went to a really good mexican
restaurant in Tijuana. And one of the things that came with the
dinner was beans, and they tasted damn good at the time. Well
today, we got some beans from Taco Bell. And let me tell you,
the beans from taco bell tasted about 50 times better. I'm pretty
sure it just tastes so good cuz it wasn't liquified like everything
else i've been eating for the past week but still...
The swelling's also
going down, I'm starting to look like an actual person. I kinda
don't feel like shaving tho cuz of all the numb spots on my face...
thankfully i can get away with that cuz my hair doesn't grow that
fast and its blond. Otherwise I'd end up looking like Tom Hanks
in castaway pretty soon. I'm sure I'm still a couple weeks away
from being, as my orthodontist likes to call it, "handsome
to the rest of the world" but I'm definitely heading
in the right direction.
I'm feelin a lot better
overall too. I've got a lot more energy and I'm actually gettin
out of the house. Yesterday I went to see SWAT. You know what
I don't like about going out places tho, is seeing everybody else
eating food. Like in the movie, everybody's eating popcorn or
hot dogs, and you can smell it, and ya have this faint memory
of at one time being able to eat some of the stuff. At one point,
I thought of grabbing the popcorn from the person next to me,
and running out to try to find a blender to put it in. But thankfully
I didn't do that cuz I'm pretty sure I couldn't outrun anybody
Oh, FUNNY STORY: My
mom called after the doctor's appointment to find out how it went...
and i told her "well, mom, the doctor said the jaw plate
had shifted, and they're going to have to do emergency reconstructive
surgery sometime this week." Keep in mind that my mom is
on the east coast now and I'm staying with an old family friend
for the week, and she was really worried about leaving me home
after surgery. So she totally freaked out, and was like "oh
my god! oh my god! when is it?". Then just as she was about
to volunteer to fly back on a plane, I said "HAHAHAHA Just
kidding!!!". So yeah, basically I almost gave my mom a heart
attack. I feel kinda bad. But at least it was pretty funny.
|8.6.03 - My face...
Well, I got released
from the hospital today. And seriously, if you've ever seen the
TV show Primetime Glick, I look exactly like that guy. Look
at these pics! I've got the most ginormously huge face I have
ever seen. The first couple days in the hospital were pretty tough
- it's damn hard to eat with tubes sticking through both your
nostrils and down into your throat, and I couldn't sleep at all
the first night either. They also had some pump in my stomach
on the first night, so everything I ate got automatically sucked
into a bag - I guess they didn't want anything to get into my
stomach so it didn't react badly with the anesthia. Overall the
pain wasn't too bad, it was just kinda a dull, continuous sorta
pain around my jaw area. But the drugs helped a lot with that.
I didn't puke at all, so I was really happy about that.
The turning point came
on the second day when they took the tubes out of my nose. That
just made things a whole lot better for me. I actually got up
and walked around the hospital a little with my dad, and scared
all the "normal" people walking around in the halls.
It was pretty funny just to go out and watch people stare at my
freakish looking face while trying to pretend they didn't see
it. Good times.
Anyway, I instructed
my mom to take a bunch of pictures while I was in the hospital
and she obviously did a good job at that. Check out the pics
page if you haven't already. So yea, my jaw is rubber-banded
shut right now so I can't really talk, so I'm pretty much stuck
either talking to people on IM or watching tv. I'm thinkin about
going down to blockbuster and getting some movies too. I wanna
walk up to some random kid in line and just stare at him and scare
the crap out of him. That's the cool part about this surgery -
I'm just so freakishly disfigured I can make random people shit
Feeding myself is an
interesting process. My jaw is rubberbanded shut, so I pretty
much have to eat everything through a syringe. So basically, I'll
be living off ensure shakes and soup broth for the next week or
2. I think they take the bands off after 2 weeks, so that'll be
pretty cool. Anyway, I'm gonna go get some sleep now, the rest
of the site is pretty much up so check it out. Sign
the guestbook, too.
|8.3.03 - The night
before the big day
Holy shit. It's about
11:55 PM on August 3, and I'm goin in for surgery in about 8 1/2
hours. But, since I have to be there 2 hours before the
surgery, that means I have to wake up at 5:45 AM. Now if that
"A" in "AM" were a "P", that wouldn't
be so much of a problem. But it's not a P. It's an A. 5:45
AM. That is so freakin early... my mind doesn't even work
when I have to get up that early. I would write a story about
some other time when I had to get up that early, but I'm too tired
to even do that now. If you want a story, read the one about the
kid that went in for jaw surgery choking on his own vomit. That'll
be in the newspaper in a couple of days. Why?
Well, you see, I kind
of "bent" some of the doctor's recommendations for the
"pre-surgery" period. For example, it said you should
not drink alcohol for at least 2 weeks prior to the surgery. And
well, my birthday was 3 days ago, and we went to Tijuana... which
was awesome, by the way. But I mean, how can you go to Tijuana
and not have a margarita and a shot of tequilla? or two? or three?
or... well yea, I kinda lost count. Whoops. Anyway, I figure that
doesn't really count against the recommendation because we were
in another country, so it must be okay. Also, they said that I
absolutely could not have anything to eat or drink (even water)
after midnight before the surgery... and I just finished eating
at 11:57. But how do we know if my clock is set to the same time
as the surgery clock? What if the doctor says, "You know
what, just to mix things up a little, let's start this surgery
exactly 3 minutes early today. After all, nobody would be stupid
enough to eat 3 minutes before the deadline. Or go to Tijuana
and drink alcohol only a few days before going into surgery."
Ha! Guess I showed him... When I'm puking all over the place,
we'll see who's laughing then. Probably won't be me. Cuz I'm guessing
it would be pretty hard to puke and laugh at the same time. But
can it be done? Only time will tell.
|7.27.03 - Site's
"What's up, my
niggas?" My dad suggested that I go to East San Jose, walk
up to the first group of black men I see, and shout this phrase
as loud as I possibly could. How is this related to surgery, you
ask? Well, let me explain: I'm white. I'm probably about as honkey
as you can get. I don't tan. At all. I alternate between shades
of white, red, and peeling. I mean, I wish I was black - then
I'd be able to do all kinds of things I can't do now. I would
be able to dance, I'd be better in sports, I could use cool pickup
lines without sounding like a complete jackass -- for example,
this summer when my friend Brian was looking for pickup lines,
II came up with this one (among others): "Damn girl, you
got the ba-donk-a-donk butt... What you say we get behind that
shack there and make me some babies?" If I say that now,
it's funny, but I still look like an idiot. But if I were black,
I'd say that shit and it'd come off smoooooth like a baby's ass.
Not that I check out baby's asses or anything, but you get my
point. The best part about being black though, I have to say,
would be the ability to go out in the sun without SPF 2-billion
and still not get my skin fried off.
Anyway, what the hell
was I talking about? Oh yeah, back to how it's related to surgery:
so me being the white boy that I am, my dad thought I could just
go to East SJ, shout that out, and get my jaw broken for free.
We'd save tons of money on the surgery bills, some of which could
possibly go toward the gallons of instant-tan lotion that I so
So yeah, the site's
up, and I'll try to update it as I'm recovering from surgery.
Wish me luck. Or better yet, drop
me a line.